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To Make Manifest

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I believe in irreverence. I find the notion that certain things are off-limits to joke about distasteful and potentially harmful. I believe that when Mel Brooks makes fun of Adolf Hitler, it robs Hitler’s memory and history of its power. When I make jokes about having Cancer, it is with these things in mind. I think there is strength in owning my reality, and declaring that I have Cancer. My wife would disagree with most of what I’ve just written.
"Mel Brooks - To be or not to be" by Jacob Whittaker is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Rather than owning my reality as a means to marshaling power over it, Shawnna believes that declarative ownership of my disease has manifesting power. I think she would say that my notion of ‘owning through declaration’ is more akin to ‘creating through declaration.’

Every stage along this Chemo journey brings a new step for which I am unprepared, and to which there will be unknown reactions. Shawnna is right, in that I am spending a great deal of energy anticipating those potential reactions, and that is not energy well-spent. Anticipation neither informs, nor affects the outcome. As much as all the healthcare providers like to list everything that I could end up feeling, they just as often follow-up with the admission that no two people react the same way. My truth is that so far, my Chemo-induced symptoms have been manageable: I feel a general malaise, I am often tired, food has a vaguely metallic taste to it, my GI system is a bit off, and I’m cold most of the time. All are manageable and none debilitating. In fact, I am experiencing most of them while I write this. If I lose my hair, I’ll wear a stylish hat at a jaunty angle. If I feel worse next week, I’ll spend a couple of days in bed. (The television adaptation of The Wheel of Time is out on Amazon Prime, so a couple of days in bed could be time well-spent.)

Last Monday, before my first Chemo treatment, I went to my Chiropractor for a last adjustment. I told him that I was going to use this experience as an opportunity to jump-start a health journey. I had worked out the four days prior, which is more than I had done in the past six months. I had stretched each of those days, as well, which I know helps ease my normally achy back. I have always identified both personally and professionally as “Physical,” but for the past 18-months I had not been living that truth. Those intentions that I voiced to my Chiropractor, and even made manifest in the days leading up to Chemo, are intentions that I have not made manifest in the days since. While I don’t think it’s fair to say I’ve been wallowing - again, Shawnna would probably disagree - she is right in that I’ve been focusing on my illness instead of my health.

All of this to say Shawnna bullied me into participating in a guided meditation. It didn't suck.


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Location: Charlotte, NC 28211, USA

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